Dead Man's Float in the Sea of Finances

The title says it all. That's exactly how I've been feeling the last few days. Uh, make that weeks. I don't even feel like I've been doing the doggy paddle, staying in place! No, I feel like I have been face down in the water, floating and unable to control where the water and the tides have been taking me. Face down, where all I see is the darkness and no light. I have been trying to keep my line counts high and therefore increase my pay, but it doesn't seem to be making a difference. And I am trying to look at the bright side -- I paid my car insurance in full without having to dip into savings. I have finally paid DD school fees for the year, and I should be able to pay the deposit for camp fees the beginning of May without dipping into savings too. I was also actually able to make a small deposit INTO savings with this paycheck, and when I posted my progress to update the charts along the side of this blog, it is encouraging to see 40% paid off.

But I just feel so disgusted at my progress in paying off the credit cards and depressed that my budget is so tight right now that I can hardly breathe. This is so far from the contentment that I'm trying to achieve, and I'm upset about that too! If I was still trying to make a van payment, I don't know what I would have done the last couple months. I had hoped that by now, the Mastercard would have been close to being paid off, and it's not. I had hoped for a full emergency fund, and it's not there. Yesterday I heard a strange noise in the kitchen, a short pop-and-hiss, and I was so worried that it was the refrigerator. I spent a lot of yesterday just praying that it was nothing major and checking the temperature off and on with a thermometer. So far, it's working fine, but I haven't found what caused the noise, and if the refrigerator decides to go, I don't have $500 to replace it right now.

Last night I was working on the checkbook, entering this paycheck and then writing out bills. I had initially allotted $200 to Mastercard but then discovered that would have left me with $114 for the rest of the month for food and cash and gas. Let's see, at decrease to $50 cash (which includes allowances and my CVS/Walgreens money - I usually take out $80) and $20 gas, that would leave a whopping $44 for groceries. Subtract $15 in milk and $10 in cat food and litter for 2 weeks, and that doesn't leave us with very much. So I reluctantly cut the Mastercard payment in half. I so very much want to see that balance not only decrease but be gone, but it's no good to make a large payment to Mastercard and then have to rely on Visa for food and necessities. *sigh*

In thinking about it last night and this morning, I've decided I need to do a couple things. First and foremost, pray. God will always provide what I need, and I must continue to learn to rely on His provision for us and have faith in that. Second, I need to increase my line counts even more. I get paid per-line, so the more I type, the more I earn. My goal is to get back to working the extra hour in place of a second job. Third, be a better steward of what I already have. I have a full pantry and freezer, and by taking advantage of that now, I can cut down on the grocery bill for this month. I also have a mini-goal that I would like to work towards: Cutting the Mastercard bill in half by this time next month. That would mean a payment of $494 instead of the assumed snowball of $264. This is in addition to paying $150 for camp deposits. If I can do this, then maybe, just maybe, I will feel like I'm accomplishing something and instead of floating wherever the tide takes me, I can take a stroke or two and kick and start going in the direction God wants me to.