This wasn't a conversation I'd ever really thought I'd have with my kids. I'm not even sure how it came about. We were spending the weekend in Cincinnati with friends, getting ready to head out to Faith Day with the Cincinnati Reds, with a MercyMe concert following the ball game. DD and I were in the family room, and I don't remember how it even came up, but she asked me why I never changed my married name back to my maiden name after the divorce. In all honesty, yes, I have briefly thought about it but never seriously. Unless God surprises me and I remarry, changing my name is not something I feel I need to do. I like the fact that I have the same name as the kids, and I don't have that many bad connotations to the name that I want to be rid of it! And that is what I told her. Then she says that she's been thinking that when she turns 18, she wants to legally change her name so that her last name is my maiden name and asks her friend, who is in the room with us, which name she likes better. Woah! Wasn't expecting that one! Why? I asked, and she said that she likes the sound of my maiden name (a Scottish name) much better and that she had no sentimental attachment to her birth name. She did then clarify that she would probably want to wait until her Grandpa was no longer with us for fear of hurting his feelings, but she wants to see what costs and procedures would be involved. Granted, she is only 15, but knowing my daughter, come her 18th birthday, I wouldn't be surprised to see her looking more closely into changing her name.
It's yet another step I see in her moving away from her dad. He has not exercised his visitation rights in at least 7 years, and DD refuses to speak to him unless he speaks to her first, which he usually doesn't do on the rare times they see him. For example, the kids were at Grandpa's house to spend Father's Day with Grandpa, and their dad showed up, as he usually does on a Sunday. DS told him Happy Father's Day, but DD said she didn't say a word to him, that in her opinion, he didn't deserve recognition on Father's Day. Changing her name would be just another layer of separation. It's sad and shouldn't be that way, but it is.
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2 comments:
I just happened to be randomly reading blogs today and yours really struck a note for me. this particular blog hit home for my family:) We too have a non engaged father. The two affected are 12 and 9. The 12 year old has become hard to her Dad, she wants nothing to do with him, however, the little guy still believes. I struggled for a long time before I made the executive decision to not allow them to talk to him. There are a number of factors involved but I never wanted to stand between them and him. He doesnt bother but once in a blue moon he calls to whine about his life to them and previous experience has taught me that they in turn exibit behavior after the fact that is detrimental to them. Both have asked to get rid of his name and Im really stuck now. I told them to take that name and make it something rather than running from it. That was enough for now but Im sure the issue will come up again. Any ideas for future reference? :)
I'm sorry for your situation. I like what you told your kids, to make something positive of the name. What I've told my daughter is, that she has to wait until she is 18, that that's the legal age she has to be to do it. (She didn't ask, and I didn't mention that, yes, I could go to court to change her name now.) Do they have a relative with their last name that they are close to? I would try to point out any advantages of that side of the family; for example, my kids have a lot of cousins on their dad's side that are in town, so I try to give them that family connection in spite of him. Good luck!
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